a long time

I was on the 14th floor

saying I don’t want to die

but I don’t want to be here either.

I guess we all have our secrets.

He said you’re feeling helpless,

everything is meaningless.

I asked are you getting paid for this?

Then he helped me.

I would forget to tell myself

at least you have your health.

I would think

give me feedback.

Use the weight of the world

to break my back.

People would say relax

and I would try

but I couldn’t get it off.

Things

wouldn’t

slow

down.

I wanted to be in the sunlight

on the back porch

with my grandfather.

As they faded away,

I wanted to

too.

Why do children

always get straight to the point?

They make sense

where we make mistakes.

They are honest,

their logic is inarguable.

Adults are scared,

some more than others.

I felt my muscles ache

and quiver.

I thought about incurable disorders,

saw my voice constantly crossed the borders

of self-pity

without reason.

I realised I was looking at life

like an ant’s nest

seeing the descent

of an atomic bomb.

Things weren’t that bad,

I was lucky.

I am here once

and the next place forever.

I will do the things

that give me freedom.

I’ll still want them

but I won’t think about it.

I will still see it,

still feel the sadness of the world

but I won’t swim in mine.

All things right themselves

eventually.

If they don’t,

it’s still no reason to worry,

you’ve put your seatbelt on;

just hope it’s

for a long time.

Oh smile at me,

look me in the eyes,

make me realise

the moments are a blessing,

not a collection of curses.

Remind

my mind of the simple good.

The places you ask me to go,

I would.

And it’s about time I understood

it’s not that hard

to tie my shoelaces,

piece together

a string of things done right,

stop turning off

my own light.

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Time To Go

When you show someone you’re vulnerable, it scares you. That’s normal. But it scares them too. They’re afraid they’ll have the responsibility of holding you up when they can barely stand themselves, because life is hard. There’s no free pass. Not everyone can rise to the challenge so they look for easy options where there is none, sacrificing chances for meaningful happiness in the process. You can’t blame them. They feel what they feel, think what they think,  and act accordingly. It doesn’t mean they made the right choice but they believe they did and no argument can be pitted against that.

Believing something doesn’t make it true but it does mean you won’t change your mind, at least in the short-term. This is why I believe nothing; I need to be agile, adaptable. To be safe I need escape routes. For if I get stuck believing something unhealthy I will surely perish.

Some things are undoubtedly true though. I try to differentiate myself by being completely honest. People don’t seem to like that. They don’t want to hear it. They want to be lied to, they want a fabrication, they don’t want to know real life.

It’s an interesting place to be in when you’re happy and sad at the same time. I feel it every day, moment by moment. It keeps me in limbo, constantly wondering what things mean. I have decided I don’t ever want answers. I want my reasoning, my thoughts, but I don’t want proof. I want conversation and discussion. I don’t want facts, or lecture.

There are too many normal people on Earth, where the mainstream continue to weed out alternatives; turning them, shunning them, or destroying them. So when a philosophy arises from a quiet mouth it’s crazy because there is no one left to fight for it. No one to say it’s right, or what the rest say is right is wrong. And no matter how innocent it is, it will not be accepted as most do not possess an open mind to even explore original thought. They ignore the autopilot that is driving their life until they die and wonder why they wasted do much time.

I am the same. It’s not so easy to get away but at least I want to.