small

A thousand guys better than me,

I stared into the blue.

Something about the colour,

something deeper there

spoke of solving problems.

Didn’t help me impress you.

 

On the train,

centrally wedged,

I felt like a child again.

I was molten in my seat,

fever taking hold.

But it wasn’t just my body,

specks in my mind, pain in my skull

made me feel more than old.

 

I get tired more often,

I wish the air to dissolve me.

My patience used to be my pride

but now I find it hard to soften.

 

I curse the change,

I thought I had my head around it

but under the surface of my skin

I’m aggravated, feeling strange.

 

I’m a power surge,

happy

and sad

are interchangeable,

as is my urge

towards recklessness and caution.

 

Don’t mess it up

I tell myself

before I begin to sweat.

Holes in my hull,

I don’t fill up.

 

I would drive away

if survival wasn’t a reason to stay.

Tangible, Invisible

I wish our lives had a soundtrack,

a song for those important moments.

I know what I would pick

for a lingering stare

or a heart attack.

 

That girl there,

she needs noise above her head.

It would be good if you understood

the euphoria, the dread

when I look upon your face

in a place

where there are only instrumentals.

 

We would all see

what happens on the inside.

Don’t get scared of me

if you see something stick, or grind

in the machinations of my mind.

And don’t trust someone

just because they seem well oiled.

If they appear level be careful

of what they’ve got coiled up

deep down,

waiting to unbalance them.

 

Most of all

love who you love.

Make choices automatic,

instinctual not manual,

and think about who you think about

when you listen to music.