a long time

I was on the 14th floor

saying I don’t want to die

but I don’t want to be here either.

I guess we all have our secrets.

He said you’re feeling helpless,

everything is meaningless.

I asked are you getting paid for this?

Then he helped me.

I would forget to tell myself

at least you have your health.

I would think

give me feedback.

Use the weight of the world

to break my back.

People would say relax

and I would try

but I couldn’t get it off.

Things

wouldn’t

slow

down.

I wanted to be in the sunlight

on the back porch

with my grandfather.

As they faded away,

I wanted to

too.

Why do children

always get straight to the point?

They make sense

where we make mistakes.

They are honest,

their logic is inarguable.

Adults are scared,

some more than others.

I felt my muscles ache

and quiver.

I thought about incurable disorders,

saw my voice constantly crossed the borders

of self-pity

without reason.

I realised I was looking at life

like an ant’s nest

seeing the descent

of an atomic bomb.

Things weren’t that bad,

I was lucky.

I am here once

and the next place forever.

I will do the things

that give me freedom.

I’ll still want them

but I won’t think about it.

I will still see it,

still feel the sadness of the world

but I won’t swim in mine.

All things right themselves

eventually.

If they don’t,

it’s still no reason to worry,

you’ve put your seatbelt on;

just hope it’s

for a long time.

Oh smile at me,

look me in the eyes,

make me realise

the moments are a blessing,

not a collection of curses.

Remind

my mind of the simple good.

The places you ask me to go,

I would.

And it’s about time I understood

it’s not that hard

to tie my shoelaces,

piece together

a string of things done right,

stop turning off

my own light.

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