A thousand guys better than me,

I stared into the blue.

Something about the colour,

something deeper there

spoke of solving problems.

Didn’t help me impress you.


On the train,

centrally wedged,

I felt like a child again.

I was molten in my seat,

fever taking hold.

But it wasn’t just my body,

specks in my mind, pain in my skull

made me feel more than old.


I get tired more often,

I wish the air to dissolve me.

My patience used to be my pride

but now I find it hard to soften.


I curse the change,

I thought I had my head around it

but under the surface of my skin

I’m aggravated, feeling strange.


I’m a power surge,


and sad

are interchangeable,

as is my urge

towards recklessness and caution.


Don’t mess it up

I tell myself

before I begin to sweat.

Holes in my hull,

I don’t fill up.


I would drive away

if survival wasn’t a reason to stay.


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