Impulse

I have tried to be the jerk,

can’t do it,

it doesn’t work.

 

I’ve tried picking fights,

It’s not me,

Doesn’t feel right

 

I have tried being arrogant

and confident.

It takes so much effort

it makes me sweat.

 

I have tried to find me,

haven’t dug deep enough yet.

 

I’ve tried thinking

like others do,

it makes me feel like I am sinking.

 

When I spend time working

It doesn’t feel like living.

I’d rather be drinking

with a friend

if the only inevitable in life

is an end.

 

I’ve tried to give money a meaning,

To see it as everyone has envisioned

but we all seem imprisoned.

When life is about balance

the world won’t stop leaning.

 

It does not stop me believing

Earth is a special place.

If I could see hope

I’d be at ease

but it’s not the case.

 

Yet I still love those good times,

cracking open joy.

Her smile, her eyes,

his jokes, his energy,

even if it’s just a ploy

to make me sadder

because ultimately

those times are worn thin,

used and gone.

 

I’ve tried sleeping

but nothing gets done,

it feels like dying.

And in dreams

I am the only one,

reduced and lonely,

wondering what is going on.

 

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